Length, breadth and depth of parenting responsiblities

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 09:56:56 GMT

Case 1: The murder of Briton Scarlett Keeling in Goa is an unfortunate chapter in the history of Indian tourism. A chapter we could have done without. Many have blamed Scarlett's drug and booze lifestyle for the end she met. Others question her mother Fiona Mckeown's (who has a past criminal record and has been married five times) responsibility towards her daughter. She claims to have entrusted her daughter to a responsible adult before leaving for Karnataka.

Case 2: 13 year old Gaurang Dalvi commits suicide by hanging himself in his room, one evening after school. Later, his mother revealed that it was a choking game dare gone wrong. And this, with his mother working in the same school as a teacher.

Is the parent-child relationship becoming more and more distant? Is it right to blame the parents' indulgence in work/lifestyle for the way the kids turn out? (Yeah, I'll blame abuse of technology here too).

When parents focus thier attention on the kids and that doesn't work out, we say the kids were pampered. When the parents trust the children and give some liberty and that doesn't work out, parents are called aloof and irresponsible.

Almost 30 years ago, when my parents got married, amma was working and was sure she wanted to continue that. That was a new trend then - working wives. Not that she was highly career oriented but she wanted to keep herself busy. When I and Putts were born, many asked her to quit her job and be at stay-at-home mom. She stuck to her decision. I still can't understand how she managed work, home and young kids all at the same time, without any help and so efficiently. Even now, at times, she gets to hear from people that both of us are so skinny because she was working. I totally disagree with that and always tell her that these people are jealous of her achievements as a wife, as a mother and as a working professional.

While my parents worked, they always kept an eye out for us. They never checked our bags but still knew when we ran out of pencils. They would never sit with us for studies but knew whether we did our homework or not. They knew who our friends were. They knew how much we scored in tests. They knew if we missed the school van and they knew what time we came home. They made sure they deposited the house key with the neighbour if we forgot to take it along. All this without making us aware.

But thats the goody-good us (*Grin*). I also know of families where the kids have gone astray. Parents have done everything possible for thier kids from putting them in the best schools to providing them everything required. Yet, the kids have gotten into bad company, acquired bad habits and refused to complete college, basically made a mess of thier life. And I know them from families that had single and double income.

Remember the story where a convict to be executed the next day asks to meet his mother when asked what his last wish is. When she comes to meet him, he calls her closer to the bars on the pretext of telling a secret and bites her ear real hard. He then explains that his mother was the one who encouraged him to steal so they could lead a good life and that she was responsible for his current position. (On a side note, wonder why the blame always rests on the working mothers (or mothers in general). Like, fathers are not supposed to care or what?)

Thats the negative side but other wise too, should parents be blamed for childrens' actions? How long? 12 years? 15? Legally 18 is the age when a person is declared an adult, gets his/her driving license, has a right to vote and girls can get married. But at 15, doesn't a person/kid know that drug abuse is bad, cigarette is injurious to health, they have a good three years before they speed a car and that alcohol has to wait another six years? And how far? Is it right for parents to search the kids' belongings every now and then? Is it practical to keep a tab on who's poking/scrapping them, who they are chatting with, who thier friend's friends are and what they are upto?

So, whats the solution? There is a nice proverb in Kannada "Hetthavarige heggaNa muddhu" which means a rat would love its children, even if they are dirty and stinky. When there is a change in the environment, there is a change in the person too, however subtle it is. Somehow, when we notice a change in the kids we tend to think it is a natural process of growing up. May be we should take a closer look and see if it has anything to do with the people and the environment. And remember the Airtel ad? "Talking breaks barriers". Never let the communication stand still.

PS: I am not a parent... yet. I'll get there some day.
PPS: Are you saying, 'Yeah, easy for you to say'? I know but I also know how my parents dealt with us.

Exams and parents

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 17:23:45 GMT

This is the third post I am writing about the last weekend. Well... you know exams are quite hectic and give you a lot of scope for action.

Scene 1:

The second morning of my exams, I saw this girl walking around the campus, reading her textbook, accidentally bumping into other people. And a little away was an elderly lady with a heavy bag on her lap smiling at this girl. A little later, the elderly lady took a breakfast box out of the bag and called the girl. As the girl gobbled her breakfast still drowned in her book, the lady stroked the girl's hair and wished her luck and boosted her with confidence. She had to be the girl's mother.

Scene 2:

Post lunch, we were just back outside the exam hall. The doors weren't open yet so we were waiting on the stairs leading to it. This time, I saw the same lady slowly turning the pages of a novel with the same hand she held the book. Her other hand was acting as a pillow for her daughter who was peacefully resting on her mother's lap. When it was time to enter the hall, the mother gently woke her daughter, handed over the pen case, wished her luck and informed her where she'd be waiting for her after the exam.

Scene 3:

Another guy was dropped to the exam center by his dad in a car. Overheard the dad say to his complaining son, 'If it wasn't your exams, I wouldn’t drop you. You need all the time to study and you definitely shouldn't be worrying about who's overtaking you. I'll be here at 12 noon sharp with your lunch, meet you at the gate. And don't walk out of the exam hall in haste. Stay until the final bell rings and recheck your answers. Are you sure you have your hall ticket and calculator?'

The girl and guy must have been at least 23 years of age because that’s the university pre-requisite - a professional degree and a year's work experience. What parents don't do for their children? :-)

Under the Rainbow: Parents

Length, breadth and depth of parenting responsiblities

Exams and parents